Saturday, July 18, 2015

The New Idiot, Part 1, Chapter 1, Bit 1

Been listening to an audio version of Fyodor Dostoevsky's The Idiot, & had the notion to translate the dialog into something... well, dumber. Idiot-er. The book is almost all dialog, so there. I'm taking a lot of liberties, changing names, dividing the chapters into "bits" when I feel like it, and comtemporizing a lot of the details, just cuz. Try to enjoy.

Part 1, Chapter 1, Bit 1

Cast of Characters so far (names subject to change later)
Some SCHLUB, a bystander

Some guys sitting on a plane or a train or whatevs during what is presumably a long flight/ride.
TEMAZEPAM: How you doin'?
PRINCE: Wow, hot! Never been hot before! Or I forgot! 'Cause I've been away!
T: Like, far away?
P: Shit, yeah! Canada!
T: No shit! How long?
P: 4 years. --Actually, more than that.
T: Skiing?
P: No, mostly just lying around. I've got epilepsy, and there's an experimental clinic I've been staying at where they're working on a cure.
T: [cracks up laughing, squealing like a pig crossed with a hyena. Then:] So did the skiing work?
P: I'm not very athletic.
T: Dude. Are you cured?
P: Oh! Oh, no.
T: Wow, what a waste. Bet the doctor feels bad for taking your dough. [snickers]
[A nearby SCHLUB gives T a high-five.]
P: Dude, no, he was SUPER nice. He actually GAVE me some money before I left, seriously. And he actually paid for me the last 2 years out of his own pocket.
T: Whaaaaa! Woah, he musta liked you! [holds up a fist and stabs it over and over with the index finger of his other paw]
P: Well, my Big Daddy P died, so he kinda had to. Or he just felt like it. I guess he did like me. I've got, like, this aunt, Lady Cowabunga, back home still, & I've been trying to get in touch, but she didn't email me back yet. I'm not sure if it's the right address for her. Anyway, I thought I'd come try to find her in person, 'cause, you know.
T: Do you even know where you're gonna go when we land?
P: Uhh...
T: [points at P's carry-on, a garbage bag] OMG, Is that your luggage?
SCHLUB: Totes! The family jewels!
P: Oh, yes. I mean, yeah, it's all mine.
S: Well, you know though, if Lady Cowabunga knows you, you're fuckin' set.
P: Uh... I've never actually met her, I don't think, but she's, like, my mom's cousin or something. They saw each other when they were kids. But she didn't write me back, so...
S: [curtly] Yeah, oh, well. But Big Daddy P, that's some shit. He used to own the Oakland Raiders! ...Dude, what's your name, by the way?
P: Prince Moo.
S: Huh. Never heard of it.
T: So, Prince, what school did you go to?
P: I took classes at The Online University of Grince.
T: [smirking] Oh, pardon the fuck out of me.
P: But I didn't get my degree.
T: Yeah, me neither.
P: I was too sick.
T: [incredulous, apathetic] Uh-huh. Ever heard of Temazepam?
P: No, I don't think so. I've been kinda out of it.
T: I'm Temazepam.
S: Woah! THAT Temazepam?
T: [to SCHLUB] Yeah, yeah, whatever, fuck off.
S: So your Dad Semen Temazepam just died and left you 2 billion!
T: Not like I've seen any of it.
S: 2 billion dollars!
T: [to P] A month ago, I didn't have shit, either. I had a trash bag, just like you. I was in Ibiza when he died. It's just as well. We would fucking killed each other if I was still staying with him.
P: Why, what did you do?
[T just looks at him and doesn't answer for a while.]

And now, see Bit 2.