Stories SO short...

...I almost feel silly posting them on here, that's how short some of my "stories" are. So I'm starting to post some of them on my tumblr, because they are just SO short. There might be non-stories there, too, so watch your feet and hands, don't want to lose any little fingers.

Feel free to visit...
I'll Be Popular When I'm Dead 

Yes, boy, ma'am

"That's just how little of anything there is."
"Good. Now go away."
"Boy, will I ever!" (twirls cap on finger while speeding hence)

Ducks Unreal

"I cared until I found out they weren't real ducks."
"Yes, that's usually a hard blow to weather. Are you going to be OK?"
"Couldn't say. Too soon to know."
"Time will tell."

MOSTLY THEY ARE A HUMAN

"Oh, I just love, love, love actual humans."
"Yes! I adore them."
"Aren't there some coming out next week?"
"Oooo, we'll have to get ready! Max has got a great hiding place."
"OK! I'll bring the booze."
"Oh, good! And we have all the guidebooks and equipment there already."

Ocean Spittle

"This is a pair of shoes worn by someone who was on the Titanic!"
"Oh! Were they wearing these shoes when it sank?"
"No."
"OK. Well, Did they have these shoes on board the Titanic with them?"
"No."
"OK. Well, then, did this person own these shoes already when they went on the Titanic--"
"--No."
"--& they just left them at home?"
"No. After they got home from sinking on the Titanic, then they bought these shoes."
"Oh. So they bought 'em right after they got home?"
"No. They went home, and then they bought these shoes some time later. But they never went home. Or maybe they did. Anyway, it didn't mean anything one way or the other, so don't worry."
"Stop talking to me. It's all for nothing. I don't look at shoes."

And there you have it. Just don't look at shoes.
Unless they were already owned by someone involved in a famous maritime disaster at the time the ship went down.

"This Is The Story, and It's Never Right"

"I have ingested another woman's spirit, and now I am never alone."

"Ingested? Are you sure?"

"And now I'll never be alone again."

"OK, but... I don't know if that's the right word for it."

The New GM Monahan Phone

"He had the new GM Monahan phone. See? See, you use it all. We'll see you."

What a mess! Commercial for a messy product

(Yes, I have ads in my dreams.)

"What A Mess"

GUY walks down public stairs. GIRL (young woman) is walking down just behind GUY, holding a container of (_) brand cheese/open box of (_) brand microwave pizza/whatever messy product this is an ad for. As GIRL steps down, food/liquid spills from the container onto GUY, who then stops & sits down (at a table that just happens to be there, like at an outdoor seating area for  food court), & starts wiping at his clothes with a paper napkin. [In my dream, the product happened to be a tub of feta in brine, and the brine splashes out onto GUY.]

Girl (concerned, puts down food container on table to attend to him): Oh, no! Did I get you?

Guy (still wiping at himself with the napkin): Yeah.

Girl: Do you want 15,000 dollars?

GUY stares at her pathetically. Pause.

Girl: I don't have it.

Guy: It's ok.

(Pause. They  look at each other, then start kissing passionately. SECOND GUY who happens to be sitting nearby (tries to) ultracasually pick up the food container to see what brand it is.

ECU on product.

VO: [Name of product.] What a nice mess.


[The genders could be changed in any configuration; I just happened to dream it this way.]

The Top 10 Things I Tell You To Do

"I go around telling people what they should know at various ages-- you know, words they should know by 20, recipes they should know by 30, and so on. I usually organize them in lists, usually about ten things at a time, because 10 is a magic number for lists of things for people, and so they tend to believe me, even though I pull this shit out of my ass."

To borrow humans

"I'll just borrow a few humans from the human-borrowing store..."

"How do they make their money?"

"Memberships, donations, rentals, lost-human fees... and selling gum and stuff from vending machines."

Need No Reason

"I can't remember why you like anything."

"And I can't remember why I like anything. That makes me not like things."

"Then don't have reasons. You don't have to have reasons to like things. Never, ever require yourself to have reasons for doing things. That's one of the worst mistakes people ever make in life. Erase that requirement from your mind. Like things and do things for no reason at all. That is the only way to make your life swim."

"Hey, whale, I'm tired of your face"

I have a good time, why can't the whale? He is always ruining my special spaghetti night. He's skeptical, and when he talks, he gives things away that people aren't supposed to know and he ruins it for everyone. Last time it happened, I had to give everybody their money back. I don't like doing things back, least of all giving money, least of all because of some whale with a big mouth and no faith in the supernatural. I'm tired of his whale face. It comes from nature, people tell me. I don't buy it. God made this whale thing to tease me. It is most of the things I'm not. And he makes so much sense, with his logical explanations, that I look bad. People don't want to be seen with me. But everyone wants to get their picture taken with the whale. Popular asshole.

In the bushes

She ended up getting caught in the bushes. You know, with her hair and stuff. And he tried to help get her out, but she wasn't sure if she wanted that. Him having been reputed to have beat little guys up for fun and all that. It was just a little thing, all that sending weaker specimens to the hospital for no reason, but still. She was unsure how to feel. And especially now, with him trying to extricate twigs from her hair. Maybe she didn't mind being stuck in the bushes so much after all. "I'm OK!" she said, but he kept fiddling with the long tangle of hair ratted in with the leaves and dirt and cobwebs and probably bugs, too.