To borrow humans

"I'll just borrow a few humans from the human-borrowing store..."

"How do they make their money?"

"Memberships, donations, rentals, lost-human fees... and selling gum and stuff from vending machines."

Need No Reason

"I can't remember why you like anything."

"And I can't remember why I like anything. That makes me not like things."

"Then don't have reasons. You don't have to have reasons to like things. Never, ever require yourself to have reasons for doing things. That's one of the worst mistakes people ever make in life. Erase that requirement from your mind. Like things and do things for no reason at all. That is the only way to make your life swim."

"Hey, whale, I'm tired of your face"

I have a good time, why can't the whale? He is always ruining my special spaghetti night. He's skeptical, and when he talks, he gives things away that people aren't supposed to know and he ruins it for everyone. Last time it happened, I had to give everybody their money back. I don't like doing things back, least of all giving money, least of all because of some whale with a big mouth and no faith in the supernatural. I'm tired of his whale face. It comes from nature, people tell me. I don't buy it. God made this whale thing to tease me. It is most of the things I'm not. And he makes so much sense, with his logical explanations, that I look bad. People don't want to be seen with me. But everyone wants to get their picture taken with the whale. Popular asshole.

In the bushes

She ended up getting caught in the bushes. You know, with her hair and stuff. And he tried to help get her out, but she wasn't sure if she wanted that. Him having been reputed to have beat little guys up for fun and all that. It was just a little thing, all that sending weaker specimens to the hospital for no reason, but still. She was unsure how to feel. And especially now, with him trying to extricate twigs from her hair. Maybe she didn't mind being stuck in the bushes so much after all. "I'm OK!" she said, but he kept fiddling with the long tangle of hair ratted in with the leaves and dirt and cobwebs and probably bugs, too.

Poisons and Poisonings

"I don't know why it happens. If my food had been poisoned, I'd want to know about it before it was too late. But it was at a big cult dinner the other day when I rushed in and told the people at my table what I'd learned, and they just kept eating. A few of them seemed to be interested in what I said, and they paused, but once they saw that guy Mark continue on with his munch and quaff, they went right ahead and kept doing it, too. I guess they don't care if they die. Is that possible? Or is it just that they didn't take me seriously? But why would I lie about their food having been poisoned? I don't do that. I'm not that kind of girl. Or maybe they're just such sheep that they always have to go with the flow of what they see other people doing, even if it means at the very least a night married to the toilet, and at most death and damnation. Permanent death and damnation. Maybe even the tortures of Hell. I don't personally believe in an afterlife, but it's a useful threat to people who don't listen to science.

"Mark is such a humorless British assface. An English assface. Not Scottish or Welsh or whatever. No, he's English, the worst of the worst."

The Negative Piano

(2 people, A and B, each carrying some kind of equipment as if for doing some job. Maybe one has 2 briefcases, and the other has a huge tool belt, with odd tools, and is carrying an object whose purpose is not immediately clear-- maybe a small lamp... They're both walking purposefully, side by side, as though on their way to do some important task.)

A(on phone): ...and one grand piano. (Pause) No, not an upright. Absolutely no uprights. (Pause) That's right. (Pause) Why, thank you! How nice of you to say that! You, too. (Pause) OK. Thank you. Bye.
(Hangs up, then abruptly stops walking)
Oh, I forgot! He doesn't need a grand piano to shave!

B: So that means the upright's fine. Call her back! Do it right away! Wait-- what kind of a piano does he need?

A: You know what? He might not need a piano... at all. But I think I might know what he does need.

B: Oh... Yeah. I think I know... exactly what you mean.

A: Oh, yes...

B: We'll make a universe and put all kinds of stuff in it, maybe a big ball in the middle--

A: Yeah! And have little stuff running around on it! Like little characters!

B: Yeah, and they keep hitting each other!

A: Hells, yeah! And we can call the little ball--

(B burps.)

A: --"Earth?"

B: Sure, whatevs.

A: I don't get it. But let's do it anyway.

(They walk off together.)

Birthday Party, or "The Crapogram"

When I started writing this scene, I didn't know where it was going to go, and neither did I.
----- 

 Birthday Party, or "The Crapogram"

(At a smallish birthday party (less than 20 people), probably in someone's living room. People stand and/or sit around, eat snacks, drink drinks, chat; things are casual so far. Then the door opens and A enters.)

A: Surprise!
(The other people are surprised.)
Whose birthday is it?
(Person B looks like s/he's about to answer this silly question, when A interrupts:)
It's MINE! MY birthday! We're here to celebrate ME!

(The others all look a little MORE surprised than before, and some murmur or giggle uncomfortably.)

B: I didn't know it was your birthday, too! Happy birthday.

A: So! What did everybody get me?

B: Well, if I'd known, we could have made this a combined birthday party from the start. Why didn't you tell me before?

A: You mean-- you didn't KNOW?

(The others look at each other, confused.)

B: I don't remember seeing anything about it on KneeBook.

A: You guys still look at KneeBook? That is so, like, 2014. Crapogram is the new way!

B: But... gosh, I've never even heard about-- Is it... 'Crapogram?'

(The others still look confused, indicating they don't recognize it, either.)

A: But... we're friends on Crapogram. I invited you and you joined. It was, like, a WHILE ago. But not THAT long ago. But we've been friends on there for a long time! I mean, at least a week!

B: I have no idea what you're talking about. I think I'd know if I'd joined something.

A: Dude! You're, like, totally on there, you totally post stuff, like, ALL the time, and we're totally friends.

B: I post stuff? What did I post?

A: Well, like just the other day you posted those awesome recipes for enriched uranium! And that picture of you with the 5-headed lobster-- that was SO cute!
(A gets out phone and shows something on the screen to B.)

B: Awww. Look, you guys!
(B hands the phone over to some other guests, who look at it and emit sounds of appreciating a great cuteness.)

A (now sensitive, putting an arm around B): Dude. That's YOUR lobster.

(B looks dumbstruck, shakes head slowly.)

B: I didn't know.

A (still in sensitive tones): Dude.
[Pause.]
You've got to get your ass on Crapogram.

B (thoughtful, dignified): We should ALL be on Crapogram.

(Everyone nods. Some put arms around each other, suddenly feeling the warmth.)

A: Yeah. I mean, you're missing your whole other life. Who knows what your other self has been up to?

Another Guest: Let's all join Crapogram right now!

Yet Another Guest (looking at his or her own phone, then looking around at the others): We all are on there already!

(A general stupid cheer goes up, like in an ad for a party game. Da End.)

Ignorin'

A: Maybe if I just ignore it for a while, it'll do what I want.
B: Yeah. Let's just ignore it for a while.
A: Yeah, the more ignoring, the better.
B: Let's be all, like, ignoring people and stuff.
A: Yeah.
B: I'm gonna start ignoring right now. Ready? (Pause.) Now!
A: Wait, I'm not ready! (produces some kind of strange hat or helmet and puts it on.)
OK.

Junior Sketch #4.5

A: I was not a cool person today.

B: I wasn't even a person today.

A: Well, you win.

B: Naturally, duh.

Minithing, like a sketch

A: I used to really like that.
B: I used to really like you.
A: I used to really like myself over there.
B: I used to really like me when you were I.
A: I used to like myself like THAT.
B: I really liked you who were it.
A: If I were that, I wouldn't help YOU.
B: I wouldn't help anything like you.
A: I like my helpful self.
B: Ta-da!