De La Merde Déprimante, 7ème Parte

I recommend you see part 1 of my Depressing Shit series and read my original disclaimer here; now here's installment 7.

This post practically wrote itself. I added The Ambassador on Nerdflix, and all these got recommended to me. They must think I'm a glutton (or a gluten??) for punishment. They're at least partly right-- I plan to watch some of them.
Satan help me.


Movies

Diamonds of War: Africa's Blood Diamonds

End of the Road

Payback: Debt and the Shadow Side of Wealth

Rosetta (Netflix sez: "Desperate to escape the wretched trailer she shares with her alcoholic mother, 18-year-old Rosetta (Emilie Dequenne, who won Best Actress at the Cannes Film Festival) goes through many trials in an attempt to find a job -- or even a friend. This powerful Belgian film's stark portrayal of poverty led to a change in the teen labor laws of that country. Rosetta received an Independent Spirit Award nomination and won the Cannes Golden Palm.")

Surviving Progress



More depressing stuff: Read Part 2 here.
And here's Part 3.
And Part 4! Are you depressed yet?!
Part 5.
Part 6.

And as always, I welcome your suggestions for More Depressing Shit. Do comment, and I'll include any good suggestions in a future update.

Depressing Shit, Part 6; just morsels this time

I recommend you see part 1 of my Depressing Shit series and read my original disclaimer here; now here's installment 6.

Mere crumbs, this installment, but maybe that means the world is running out of depressing shit!   (Insert sounds of choking and spitting out a mouthful of beverage.)


Movies:

Harry Brown (Just see if you can make it through the first 5 minutes! And then there's MORE!)

Nil By Mouth (Netflix describes it thusly: "Acclaimed actor Gary Oldman makes his directorial debut with this searing drama, which tracks the lives of residents barely surviving in notorious South London, where everyone is striving to escape a drug-addled world of crushing poverty." I decided not to see this.)




More depressing stuff: Read Part 2 here.
And here's Part 3.
And Part 4! Are you depressed yet?!
Part 5.

And as always, I welcome your suggestions for More Depressing Shit. Do comment, and I'll include any good suggestions in a future update.

(Possibly) Depressing Shit, Part 5

I recommend you see part 1 of my Depressing Shit series and read my original disclaimer here; now here's installment 5.

Movies:
The Girlfriend Experience [Feels eerily like a documentary. This reminded me of why I hate businessmen and the corporate world and why I probably shouldn't live in New York again-- i.e., the businessmen. If you happen to be a businessman or other corporate fuck, see this movie, see if you're like these men, and then understand why I hate you.]
Inside Job [The Netflix blurb describes it as a "sobering documentary." Just the kind of thing I don't want to pay for, thanks.]
Life and Debt
Maxed Out [haven't seen it, but it sure sounds depressing!]
Ordinary People [suggested by my friend Gabe]

Ponette [Cf. "Maxed Out"]

Sicko [again, haven't seen it, don't want to. I know stuff sucks and I don't need it spelled out for me over and over.]

TV show:
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo [according to Entertainment Weekly; I've only seen clips.]


More depressing stuff: Read Part 2 here.
And here's Part 3.
And Part 4! Are you depressed yet?!

And as always, I welcome your suggestions for More Depressing Shit. Do comment, and I'll include any good suggestions in a future update.

Mad Tiger

Mal: I'm mad! Mad like a tiger!

Brin: Well, I'm pensive. pensive like a sparrow.

M: Well, I'm introspective like a WORM!

B: I'm plain like a pigeon.

M: That's not a state of mind!

B: It could be.

M: Are you trying to make me thnk again? You're trying to make me think again!

B: I can think about it for you.

M: Aw, babe. What would I ever do without you?

B: I guess you'd have to think.

[M and B hug and/or M hits B. The End.]

---

[See the site of National Sketch Writing Month for the meaning of all this.] 

Donkey

Don: When I grow up, I'm gonna be a donkey.

Aunt Silver [always very serious]: So you are. Good child.

D: I'm gonna be a FAST donkey![[

A: Well, now, we'll have to wait and see about that. We do come from a long line of donkeys, but not all of them have won the blue ribbon.

D: DON-KEEEEEEYY!

A: I know. You children are always in such a hurry to grow up and become lightning-fast donkeys. But these things take a while.

D: Noooo... [drops to the floor and rolls around]

A: Now. How about you bake your Auntie Silver some nice apple pie?

[D suddenly perks up.]

D: Pie! [rushes out]

A [calling to D]: And save me some nice crumbs, too! Can you do that, little Don-don?

[D reenters with a donut on a plate, and hands both to A.]

A: Thank you, Don. [then aside, to the camera or audience] I get so much stuff for free this way!

[And this part is now like an END.]

---

[See the site of National Sketch Writing Month for the meaning of all this.]

Game of Crying

Leem [sing-song]: I got three more clocks, three more clocks! I got three more clocks, 3moreclocks!

Glif: You're... so... lucky!

L: 3 more clocks, 3 more clocks!

G: Can I have some?! Can I have some?!

L: No... and... no.

G [groaning angrily]: Unnhhhnnn! You're so much better than me!

L: Don't feel bad. I'm just better than you. It's not YOUR fault.

G: It's not my fault!

[G starts fake crying, though it may not be apparent to the audience that it's fake. L takes G's arm.]

L: Let's go cry together... BABY.

[L makes a face as if trying very hard to cry.]

G: I'm a baby. It's my fault I'm bad.

[L suddenly stops trying to "cry."]

L: OK. That was fun. I'm gonna bring my Wishing Pone tomorrow.

G [now happy]: Bye!

L: Bye!

G: Bye! Bye!

L: Bye!

---

[See the site of National Sketch Writing Month for the meaning of all this.]

Yo-yos

[Luce wears a headset like someone might wear when teaching an exercise class. She talks loud and acts like the boss.]

Luce: OK, everyone, listen up. Nobody apologize to anyone for the rest of your lives.

[There's a murmur and some muttering among Everyone Else.]

Mannet: Do we have to take responsibility for our actions?

L: No. I don't want anyone taking responsibility for anything. Not your own actions, not anything else. And I don't want anyone apologizing. Do I make myself clear?

Noofy: What do we do now?

L: Just go about your business, do your jobs, and take long breaks to play cards and some games with marbles. And I don't want to hear any apologizing.

M: Hey! This guy just stepped on my toe!

L: So? What do you want me to do about it?

M [pouting]: Nothing.

L: If anyone even thinks about apologizing, I'm gonna use your head for a yo-yo. All of you. I'm gonna take all your heads and put them on strings from your necks and hold 'em all together like a bouquet of yo-yos. And play with 'em.

N: You said BOUQUET!

[Everyone But Luce gasps.]

L: You guys all suck. You don't deserve a playtime leader like me. I'm leaving. [Luce just stands there with arms folded across chest. Some of the others stare; others take out little toys such as marbles and yo-yos and start playing quietly.]

--THE END!--

---

[See the site of National Sketch Writing Month for the meaning of all this.]

Happy Everyone

[Mila and Fundis are in a kitchen. Both appear to be grown women. Fundis could also be male or of indeterminate gender.]

Mila [on phone]: Thanks, Mom. Can't wait to get your check. [Pause.] Yeah, you, too. Bye. [hangs up] I got the dolly dolly dollars!

Fundis [in a breathy, baby talkish voice with an English accent that might not sound authentic]: Hahppy, hahppy girl! Oh, hahppy, hahppy!

M: Yeah. I'm happy, alright. Fundis, what've we got for lunch?

F [pointing at M in a stupid way with both hands]: Hahppy, hahppy! Dolly girl Milly Mila doll hahppy happy dolly girl!

M: I guess we could have tuna sandwiches. We still have some bread left, right?

[M starts looking around the kitchen, opening the fridge, cupboards, and so on.]

F: Bready bready hahppy hahppy! Good girl! Hahppy girl for everyone!

M: Good. We've still got some canned tomatos [pulls can from cupboard, puts it on table] and potato skins.

[M gets stuff out from various places, putting things on the table. F picks up 2 plates and hands them directly to M with a bog, expectant smile, and then just stands there looking triumphant.]

M: Thanks, Fundis. [M starts putting things on plates, prepping sandwiches.] I'm sure lucky to have my mom and dad as parents. So are you. WE'RE lucky my mom and dad are my parents.

F: Lucky lucky hahhpy hahppy girly girly Mila Mila Milly moo!

M: Yeah, I'll get a real job one of these days.

F: Hahppy Milly Mila Fundy Fundis hahppy hahppy?

M: I know. This IS my job. You're more important than any job. And you know what, Fundis? Whatever you say goes, and that's the way I like it. [Pause. Then they hug.] You're the best life coach ever!

F: Hahppy dolly everybody! Wheeeee!

[Da End, for now...]


---

[See the site of National Sketch Writing Month for the meaning of all this.]

Just Act Natural, Actor

Divro: We're going to shoot this video, and we're going to show it before and in between the other parts of the show, ok?

Tamale: Ok.
 
D: So just get out there, and I'll already be shooting, and I want you to just do whatever. Just be yourself.
 
T: Just be myself?
 
D: Just be yourself.
 
T: Like how do you want me to be myself? What do you want me to do exactly?
 
D: You know... Just do what you always do. Just... Do what you'd normally do.
 
T: What I'd normally do?
 
D: Yeah. You know... Just... mess around.
 
T: Just mess around?
 
D: Yeah, just mess around. Goof around.
 
T: Goof around?
 
D: Yeah, you know. Just mess around. Goof around. Do what you like.
 
T: Just do what I like?
 
D: Yeah. Just do that.
 
T: Oh. Ok. I'll try to do that.
 
D: Ok. That's what I want.
 
T: So, like here... Here I am, in front of this fruit stand.
 
D: Yeah, yeah! That's great! It's, like, totally natural!
 
T: Yeah. So here I am. I'm just standing here. But if I get really natural, I might just... fall down.
 
[T sinks down on his or her feet.]
 
D: Ok, ok... or alternately, you could... wave at the camera. Yeah. How about you wave at the camera?
 
T: From down here on the ground?
 
D: Sure... Yeah, OK. I guess that could work... [T waves insincerely.] OK, OK, that's great... You're just... down there on the ground. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah.
 
T: Now what if I pull you down here with me? [pulls D's leg; D crumples down.]
 
D: Whoa! I mean... I guess that's cool. I mean, this is what you'd naturally do, right?
 
T: Naturally. [D keeps trying to videotape T.] I mean, I'm just being natural.
 
D: Of course. Right?

T: I don't know how else do be natural. I mean, this is just... me being me.

D: Exactly. That's exactly what I want.

[T slaps D over and over several times, first one cheek then the other, with a number or small, quick slaps. D looks confused.]

D: Brilliant! Just brilliant.

[T suddenly stands up.]

T: That's a wrap!

D [pleasantly surprised]: Wow! If you say so.

---

[See the site of National Sketch Writing Month for the meaning of all this.]

Annie & Janny & The Nature of The Universe

[A jubilant Janny enters dancing and semi-chanting, semi-yelling.]

Janny: Auntie Ann-ee, I'm in FOUR DEE, and I'm SO nice! I'm in FOOOOOUURR DEEEEEE! Auntie Ann-EE!

Auntie Annie: Congratulations, Janny! We're so proud of you!

J [in a sing-song way]: I KNOW, I KNOW, Aunt-ee, it's all, it's all because of me, 'cause I'm in FOOOOOUUR DEE!

A: I'm pleased that that spell we cast worked so well.

J: A spell?! You didn't have shit-snack to do with this. It's all me! I made myself 4D!

A: And the spell helped a great deal, young lady.

J: You are trying to mess me up! You want to take this away from me, saying it was all 'cause of you and your big, smelly "SPELL" powers. You don't have powers on me!

A: You just go right on ahead and keep believing that, Janny.

[Janny stops jiggling around, crestfallen. Her face falls, and she sits down to mope.]

J: Daaaaamn, Auntie!

A: That's alright, child. It doesn't mean you're any less four-dimensional than you were. It just means you can't take all the credit for it.

J: But DAMN! DAMN! I wanted it to be me!

A: Of course. I know all about it. Back when I was about your age and I first realized I might be three-dimensional, there was no stopping me.

J: SO?!

A: And then I discovered, with time, that I can't just take credit for things that are not my own doing.

J: What? I'm 4D and it IS because of me.

A: No, honey, you only think it is. It's like being proud of yourself for being tall or for having pretty eyes. You didn't work for your four-dimensionality, so you have no right to go around saying it's all because of you. And besides, you have me to thank for casting that spell.

J [groans]: Unnhhh. That's boring. Now what do I do?

A: I'll teach you to cast spells yourself, and then you can cast them on other people.

J: For reals?

A: Sure! And then we can turn all the people in the world into invisible ants, and make them fear death, AND make them wonder if there's a God and what is the meaning of life!

J: OK!

[Then there's a sudden POOF of fog and we see no more. You know, like a black out. And it goes on, and on...]

The End!

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[See the site of National Sketch Writing Month for the meaning of all this (up to a point).]