Wednesday, July 22, 2015

The Dumbening of The Idiot, Part 1, Chapter 1, Bit 3

Click here for Bit 1.
Click here for Bit 2.

Part 1, Chapter 1, Bit 3

[TEMAZEPAM, LEEB, and PRINCE MOO, still on a plane.]
TEMAZEPAM (continuing): ...My Dad gave me some money to do some business for him, so I just went to the store & bought Natasha some gold teeth. She likes rainbows. Then I went to my friend Snatchy's house, & we both went to see Natasha, and Snatchy acted like the teeth were his idea and he gave her rainbows. And he smelled all good and I had just been running. What a fuck. And then my Dad found out about the no money and he locked me in a room with no internet. And I had to listen to Michael Bublé. And while I was in there, I guess he went and saw Natasha and took back the teeth but she didn't let him take her rainbows but then she said, "I guess that little shit really likes me" and that means me. Then I went to my aunt's house in Tahoe and then I guess I drank somewhere & then I woke up right before I was about to get run over by a tour bus.

LEEB: Natasha! I'd like to give her some teeth! I could put reindeer in her teeth all day!

T (to LEEB): Never talk again.

L: We'll see! (pinches T's cheek)

[And then they land.]

Sunday, July 19, 2015

The Dumbening of The Idiot, Part 1, Chapter 1, Bit 2

See Part 1, Chapter 1, Bit 1

Note: Any or all of the dialog may sound better spoken resnotulously fast. Because, well, it's dumb.
And now...

The Dumber Idiot, Part 1, Chapter 1, Bit 2

Cast so far:

Scene: still on a plane.

TEMAZEPAM: I didn't do anything to piss him off. I was fuckin' sweet. My bro, on the other hand... Ugh, my Dad & my Mom, they thought his shit didn't smell. But, like, my mom and my bro didn't even wanna tell me Dad croaked. Had to hear it from someone else on Facebook, like, after the fact. And my bro's already taken, like, the best Rolexes 'n' shit. I heard he even took the one my Dad was buried in.
SCHLUB: That's fully gay, dude.
T: By rights, he should have his ass kicked. At LEAST. But so guess what? I didn't even tell them I'm coming back.
S: Woah!
T: Oh, AND my bro talked shit about me to my Dad before he died. But, I mean, my dad was already pissed about this girl I know, Natasha P.
S: Who?
T: Come on.
S: You're talking about THAT Natasha P?
T: Whatever, motherfucker.
S: Hey, Leeb knows some people.
[SCHLUB is talking about himself in the third person now. He is LEEB.]
Leeb knows all about Natasha P. Like her real name isn't P.
It's Ba-rass.
[waves his finger in the air in a know-it-all way]
Leeb knows her family. There's also this guy Totsy-wotsy, and he's real good friends with Lady Cowabunga's husband. GENERAL Cowabunga. And Totsy's not too bad off, either. He's a CEO of... something, you know, whatever.
T: What? No way. You-- Leeb-- no way!
LEEB: Uh-huh! I was with Lee Ha for, like, a month. And (he/Lee HA) knows Natasha & he knows... everybody.
T: Wait, Lee Ha? HE knows Natasha? Like, really knows her? Like, he KNOWS knows her?
L: No-- I mean, I don't think so, but... Nah, those other dudes know she's all about the Totsy. He takes her to the VIP room & shit. Red carpet shit. So everybody that sees her, sees her with Totsy and that's it. Nobody tries shit with her.
T: Yeah... fuck. I heard about Totsy. My friend said Natasha lives with him now. But you know, I think it might be over with them. Totsy has some new bitch and they're getting married and shit. I saw Natasha at the club this one time-- oh, shit! Smoking, I mean smoking hot. Like... never.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

The New Idiot, Part 1, Chapter 1, Bit 1

Been listening to an audio version of Fyodor Dostoevsky's The Idiot, & had the notion to translate the dialog into something... well, dumber. Idiot-er. The book is almost all dialog, so there. I'm taking a lot of liberties, changing names, dividing the chapters into "bits" when I feel like it, and comtemporizing a lot of the details, just cuz. Try to enjoy.

Part 1, Chapter 1, Bit 1

Cast of Characters so far (names subject to change later)
Some SCHLUB, a bystander

Some guys sitting on a plane or a train or whatevs during what is presumably a long flight/ride.
TEMAZEPAM: How you doin'?
PRINCE: Wow, hot! Never been hot before! Or I forgot! 'Cause I've been away!
T: Like, far away?
P: Shit, yeah! Canada!
T: No shit! How long?
P: 4 years. --Actually, more than that.
T: Skiing?
P: No, mostly just lying around. I've got epilepsy, and there's an experimental clinic I've been staying at where they're working on a cure.
T: [cracks up laughing, squealing like a pig crossed with a hyena. Then:] So did the skiing work?
P: I'm not very athletic.
T: Dude. Are you cured?
P: Oh! Oh, no.
T: Wow, what a waste. Bet the doctor feels bad for taking your dough. [snickers]
[A nearby SCHLUB gives T a high-five.]
P: Dude, no, he was SUPER nice. He actually GAVE me some money before I left, seriously. And he actually paid for me the last 2 years out of his own pocket.
T: Whaaaaa! Woah, he musta liked you! [holds up a fist and stabs it over and over with the index finger of his other paw]
P: Well, my Big Daddy P died, so he kinda had to. Or he just felt like it. I guess he did like me. I've got, like, this aunt, Lady Cowabunga, back home still, & I've been trying to get in touch, but she didn't email me back yet. I'm not sure if it's the right address for her. Anyway, I thought I'd come try to find her in person, 'cause, you know.
T: Do you even know where you're gonna go when we land?
P: Uhh...
T: [points at P's carry-on, a garbage bag] OMG, Is that your luggage?
SCHLUB: Totes! The family jewels!
P: Oh, yes. I mean, yeah, it's all mine.
S: Well, you know though, if Lady Cowabunga knows you, you're fuckin' set.
P: Uh... I've never actually met her, I don't think, but she's, like, my mom's cousin or something. They saw each other when they were kids. But she didn't write me back, so...
S: [curtly] Yeah, oh, well. But Big Daddy P, that's some shit. He used to own the Oakland Raiders! ...Dude, what's your name, by the way?
P: Prince Moo.
S: Huh. Never heard of it.
T: So, Prince, what school did you go to?
P: I took classes at The Online University of Grince.
T: [smirking] Oh, pardon the fuck out of me.
P: But I didn't get my degree.
T: Yeah, me neither.
P: I was too sick.
T: [incredulous, apathetic] Uh-huh. Ever heard of Temazepam?
P: No, I don't think so. I've been kinda out of it.
T: I'm Temazepam.
S: Woah! THAT Temazepam?
T: [to SCHLUB] Yeah, yeah, whatever, fuck off.
S: So your Dad Semen Temazepam just died and left you 2 billion!
T: Not like I've seen any of it.
S: 2 billion dollars!
T: [to P] A month ago, I didn't have shit, either. I had a trash bag, just like you. I was in Ibiza when he died. It's just as well. We would fucking killed each other if I was still staying with him.
P: Why, what did you do?
[T just looks at him and doesn't answer for a while.]

And now, see Bit 2. 

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Too long for Twitter

Just realized someday I could be one of those old people who has a caretaker and we form an enchanting special friendship which is so unlikely because we're such different people but I make them laugh because I'm a very special old person and we both learn a lot about life.