Sunday, September 21, 2014

America's Next Tough Dummy (National Sketch Writing Month)

[Mannequin or statue stands on stage. Might be in a store window or other display, though not necessarily. 2 "tough guys," FRED & UNFRED, enter.]

UNFRED: Hey, Fred-- look at that thing. (indicating the dummy to his friend)

FRED (smiles): Oh, yeah-- Heya, dope.

U: Hey, ya dummy.

[Slight pause; both stand there smiling as if they're waiting for dummy's hurt or angry reaction.]

F: Like, 'Oh, No, my feelings don't work!'

U: Hey, Fred-- 'my face doesn't work!'

F: 'Oh, no, my teeth don't work!'

U: My face is all worn out!

F: Yeah! From not saying nothin'!

U: Yeah!

[Both laugh. Then they both look disappointed, crestfallen.]

U: For real, though. What a dummy.

F: Yeah. Won't even talk or nothin.'

U: Yeah, like, what's the point?

F: Yeah, what's the point of anything?


U: Damn.


Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Dang All Butterflies (National Sketch Writing Month)

[Some kind of sweet, happy classical instrumental music plays. BUTTERFLIES 1 & 2 (any genders, & their first names can be changed) do a "graceful" synchronized dance routine, 30 seconds or so, long enough to set a mood of niceness (pretty, feminine, genteel). Then BUTTERFLY 1 picks up or "pulls out" a wide piece of ribbon, several feet long, & unfurls it. BUTTERFLY 2 picks up the other end of the ribbon & they continue to dance, each still holding his or her end of the ribbon, this time dancing apart then coming together, hastily & half-heartedly attempting to tie their ends together in a bow, which they fail to do. Then they dance apart again, then come back together, & try again to gracefully tie the bow again. At this point they might get the ribbon tangled, then dance apart again, then come back together, then try again to make the ribbon look nice-- always while trying to dance gracefully & always failing to tie the bow. Music & BUTTERFLIES stop.]

BUTTERFLY 1: What the hell, man?!

BUTTERFLY 2 (folds arms over chest): Screw this.

B1: How can you say that? Tying pretty bows is what animates us butterflies!

B2: Yeah, but... But... [Pause.] There's no princess.

B1 (more quietly, patiently): I know. [Pause.] It's not the same without Kevin. Those flowing golden curls... Tying ribbons on her was the most natural thing in the world. It was like--

B2 (sadly): --magic.

[Pause while they both look sad for a moment, then:]

B1 (suddenly cheerful): But we'll get a new Kevin soon.

B2: I don't want a new Kevin! I'm done with all princesses. I've given up!

B1 (shocked, angry): You--!! Well, FINE! If you wanna know the truth, I've been thinking of breaking up the band for a long time.

B2: Oh, yeah? That's fine with me, too! That's just fine!

B1: Well, fine!

B2: Fine.

[They turn their backs to each other & both fold their arms over their chests & pout. Pause.]

B2 (gently): Brad?

B1 (also softened a little): What is it, Linda?

B2 (not gently): I hate you.

[The End... or is it??]

"You Don't Matter, Butt..." (NaSkeWriMo)

(A lies on stage, apparently dead. Maybe a flower is placed in A's folded hands to make A look extra-dead. Enter B.)

B: Hey, dude. I heard you were having trouble with your whole life 'n' shit.

A: Sure. I've never won the lottery in any way, not even as a figure of speech. My life ain't shit.

B: What about... your HOME?

A: MY home? My home ain't shit. It's mine, so it doesn't matter.

B: You're wrong. Your home does matter. It matters to some awesome plants. Come on out here, you guys...

(Enter PLANTS, which can be either people in costume or plant puppets.)

A: Larry! Sarah! Dick!

(B & PLANTS hug.)

This is the best Christmas ever!

B: Good... because it's the last one ever! It's The End of Christmas! Goodbye forever!

(A & PLANTS all wave & smile to audience.)

A: Goodbye!


Sunday, September 14, 2014

Don't Be That Bacon (The Post that Posts Itself) (NaSkeWRiMo)

[These could be 2 co-workers at neighboring desks or cubicles, or customer & worker (like a librarian), or many other things, preferably not food-related. Also, they must be utterly serious & natural the whole time. Think of a parallel universe in which this scene wold be normal.]

A: How're you doing?

B: Oh, bacon.

A: Just bacon, huh?

B: Yeah. Last week I was toast.

A: Regular toast?

B: If you really wanna know, I was super toast.

A: Oh, yeah. I get like that sometimes, too.

[No end. This really should go on & on. Like a show. It must go on. Or maybe I'll think of an ending.]

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Too Many White People

[Note: This may also be funny with white actors.]

A: Don't you want to go to the beach?

B: No... I'm kind of "white peopled"-out for today.

A: What are you talking about? We haven't seen any white people today.

A: Yeah... but I know they're there.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Skit: "How long must I be?"

A: YOU'RE dirty.

B: Yes. Yeah. I'm dirty.

A: U B Dirt E.

B: License plate.

[Pause while A & B stand there & look at each other, neither budging.]

B: Hey, how long does this have to be?

C (from offstage): It's supposed to be long enough to reveal its own truth. The truth of its own reality.

B: Oh, OK. [Pause.] Let's go, then.

(A & B exit. A might suddenly show joy somehow, like by jumping in the air & clicking his/her heels, or trying & failing.)


Sunday, August 31, 2014

Free Followers, Likes, & Other Indulgences

I'm eating this for breakfast, peepers. A frivolous new way to get extra followers on Twitter, likes on your Facebook page, G+ followers, Youtube subscribers, and possibly other desirable things, too, but not undesirable things like germs & diseases, or at least not so far. So join me in following a fun Pied Piper to our glorious digital doom...

I mean, it's not the end of the world just yet, is it?
(Maybe we shouldn't try to answer that...)

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

An Example For My New Thoughts To Follow

There is a drinking fountain. It is not noticeable.
The only time anyone notices it is when they bump into it, but that happens. Now a person is curious.

Luxurious, furious Someone walks into this water fountain & is temporarily amazed. She looks around wearing pants to see if there is anyone around she can tell about this. She has a personality, but it can't all be known at once. These women exist somewhere. She has glasses or not. That's how complicated she is. She wears a tooth perhaps in her mouth. I look at her and she shifts.

Sometimes I have to go look at something else now. Goodbye. Here is my window. There are always things to discover. Make some up.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

The 1st of my critiques of Mommy Blog/Pinterest crapola

Found this wee gem of poo on Pinterest today:

Not 1 person? How about, oh, I don't know... Dick Cheney? How about Hitler? No? Stalin? Rapists? Child molesters? You could really love everyone, just 'cuz you read their sad-ol' story?

I'm sure whoever thought this up & posted it had the best intentions, but those kinds of intentions pave some of the DARNED-est roads, let me tell you. So... no. You can go ahead & try to be Jesus-y & love EVERYONE no matter what, but that doesn't mean some people aren't assholes at best, & real live devils otherwise.

I do GET IT. We should try to understand where everyone's coming from & act accordingly.

But we still should hold people responsible for their actions.

I'm not providing the link to where I found this, because my aim is not to shame the poster; indeed, this kind of poubelle gets posted & reposted all over the internet, especially in the female-dominated internet ghettos of Mommy blogs & Pinterest, so I wouldn't want to make anyone to feel singled out for my annoyance.

We should debate this shit, though. So many feel-goody quotes making the rounds. Discuss!

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Back, Backy McBackerson!

Thank you, Google gods & gods-esses, for restoring my blog to life! It's not my fault I was hacked! I am some kind of real person! Yes! It has been confirmed!

I will give someone an imaginary gift in thanks!

Perhaps tonight I will pour out some liquor-like substance into my throat & on my clothes to celebrate!