Monday, November 10, 2014

Shit that's (probably) depressing, Part 9


I recommend you see part 1 of my Depressing Shit series and read my original disclaimer here; now here's installment 9.
 

Movies:
Everlasting Moments
Gonin(1)
How to Die in Oregon (I'm told)
12 Years A Slave (A friend told me this is GREAT and VERY DEPRESSING. I think I'll skip it because my psyche is fragile.)
Wendy and Lucy (haven't seen it, but LOOKS hecka depressing)
...and a guy @ Whole Foods said he thought Young Adult was a bummer, though I enjoyed it and it didn't affect me negatively. But I guess I can see how it might, for some.

Books:
The Beautiful and Damned
A CHILD OF A CRACKHEAD II (#1 was fine, I'm sure, but II...)

DEFINITELY Depressing song:
"Is That All There Is?"  I mean, GEEZ. Save a little depressing for something else, why don't you.

I have to go lie down now.

More depressing stuff: Read Part 2 here.
And here's Part 3.
And Part 4! Are you depressed yet?!
Part 5.
Part 6.
Part 7.
Part 8.

And as always, I welcome your suggestions for More Depressing Shit. Do comment, and I'll include any good suggestions in a future update.


Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Best New People For Sending Lists To

I must clear one's slate here. Not my slate, just "one's."

Got a free subscription to FORBES Magazine recently, and it's not just the ugly faces on the cover that have begun to annoy me. No, it's their nonstop whining about how bad business people have it and how government regulation of business is ruining everything, and why can't they have everything they want right now because Damn it, they want it? Mine, mine! Everything should be MINE! (All this in the same issue when they proudly trumpet that capital gains are at record highs and the rich are richer than ever.)

So... A short note here on business people and other conservatives who are always calling for less government regulation on their business:

Government regulation, as unfun as it sounds, is the only thing standing between us and just letting rich business people control everything. Of course you want less government regulation, richies. Because without government regulation, the richest people would have absolute power! Kind of like going back to the era of medieval warlords and kings, but with scarier weapons.

Now, I know there are a lot of unhappy snipers who will say, "The rich already control everything anyway," "They own Congress," and so on, to which I say: Not quite.

Unless you already find yourself in slavery-- and I know some people do-- there is still some freedom left and some battling left to do. And no, corporate freedom is not the same as individual freedom. Don't even.

I could go on, but I get less cute the more I argue late into the invisible night.

So, everyone, go have fun, and let everyone enjoy their freedom as individuals. And Git off my lawn!

Monday, October 13, 2014

Free Follows & Likes... (Repost)



I'm eating this for breakfast, peepers. A frivolous new way to get extra followers on Twitter, likes on your Facebook page, G+ followers, Youtube subscribers, Vine followers, Instagram followers, and possibly other desirable things, too, but not undesirable things like germs 'n' diseases, or at least not so far. So join me in following a fun Pied Piper to our glorious digital doom...

Click here to get free follows, etc.

I mean, it's not the end of the world just yet, is it?
(Don't answer that.)

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The Unfinished Snack, Or Unlimited Shack, Or Alvin Or Bust (National Sketch Writing Month)

[This scene has untold numbers of blanks to fill in. Like a partial Mad Lib... Anyway, it could use a beginning & an end, & possibly some other things. Characters, so far: ALVIN & BUSTAMANTE or BUSTER.]

ALVIN: I will try. I will try! Now get away from me.

BUST: Try, Alvin, try!

A: OK, but say that over there instead.

[B goes over "there," which is not over "here."]

B: OK. Try!

A: No, never say that.

B: Are you sure?

A: No.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

America's Next Tough Dummy (National Sketch Writing Month)

[Mannequin or statue stands on stage. Might be in a store window or other display, though not necessarily. 2 "tough guys," FRED & UNFRED, enter.]

UNFRED: Hey, Fred-- look at that thing. (indicating the dummy to his friend)

FRED (smiles): Oh, yeah-- Heya, dope.

U: Hey, ya dummy.

[Slight pause; both stand there smiling as if they're waiting for dummy's hurt or angry reaction.]

F: Like, 'Oh, No, my feelings don't work!'

U: Hey, Fred-- 'my face doesn't work!'

F: 'Oh, no, my teeth don't work!'

U: My face is all worn out!

F: Yeah! From not saying nothin'!

U: Yeah!

[Both laugh. Then they both look disappointed, crestfallen.]

U: For real, though. What a dummy.

F: Yeah. Won't even talk or nothin.'

U: Yeah, like, what's the point?

F: Yeah, what's the point of anything?

[Pause.]

U: Damn.

[End.]

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Dang All Butterflies (National Sketch Writing Month)

[Some kind of sweet, happy classical instrumental music plays. BUTTERFLIES 1 & 2 (any genders, & their first names can be changed) do a "graceful" synchronized dance routine, 30 seconds or so, long enough to set a mood of niceness (pretty, feminine, genteel). Then BUTTERFLY 1 picks up or "pulls out" a wide piece of ribbon, several feet long, & unfurls it. BUTTERFLY 2 picks up the other end of the ribbon & they continue to dance, each still holding his or her end of the ribbon, this time dancing apart then coming together, hastily & half-heartedly attempting to tie their ends together in a bow, which they fail to do. Then they dance apart again, then come back together, & try again to gracefully tie the bow again. At this point they might get the ribbon tangled, then dance apart again, then come back together, then try again to make the ribbon look nice-- always while trying to dance gracefully & always failing to tie the bow. Music & BUTTERFLIES stop.]

BUTTERFLY 1: What the hell, man?!

BUTTERFLY 2 (folds arms over chest): Screw this.

B1: How can you say that? Tying pretty bows is what animates us butterflies!

B2: Yeah, but... But... [Pause.] There's no princess.

B1 (more quietly, patiently): I know. [Pause.] It's not the same without Kevin. Those flowing golden curls... Tying ribbons on her was the most natural thing in the world. It was like--

B2 (sadly): --magic.

[Pause while they both look sad for a moment, then:]

B1 (suddenly cheerful): But we'll get a new Kevin soon.

B2: I don't want a new Kevin! I'm done with all princesses. I've given up!

B1 (shocked, angry): You--!! Well, FINE! If you wanna know the truth, I've been thinking of breaking up the band for a long time.

B2: Oh, yeah? That's fine with me, too! That's just fine!

B1: Well, fine!

B2: Fine.

[They turn their backs to each other & both fold their arms over their chests & pout. Pause.]

B2 (gently): Brad?

B1 (also softened a little): What is it, Linda?

B2 (not gently): I hate you.


[The End... or is it??]

"You Don't Matter, Butt..." (NaSkeWriMo)

(A lies on stage, apparently dead. Maybe a flower is placed in A's folded hands to make A look extra-dead. Enter B.)

B: Hey, dude. I heard you were having trouble with your whole life 'n' shit.

A: Sure. I've never won the lottery in any way, not even as a figure of speech. My life ain't shit.

B: What about... your HOME?

A: MY home? My home ain't shit. It's mine, so it doesn't matter.

B: You're wrong. Your home does matter. It matters to some awesome plants. Come on out here, you guys...

(Enter PLANTS, which can be either people in costume or plant puppets.)

A: Larry! Sarah! Dick!

(B & PLANTS hug.)

This is the best Christmas ever!

B: Good... because it's the last one ever! It's The End of Christmas! Goodbye forever!

(A & PLANTS all wave & smile to audience.)

A: Goodbye!


END.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Don't Be That Bacon (The Post that Posts Itself) (NaSkeWRiMo)

[These could be 2 co-workers at neighboring desks or cubicles, or customer & worker (like a librarian), or many other things, preferably not food-related. Also, they must be utterly serious & natural the whole time. Think of a parallel universe in which this scene wold be normal.]

A: How're you doing?

B: Oh, bacon.

A: Just bacon, huh?

B: Yeah. Last week I was toast.

A: Regular toast?

B: If you really wanna know, I was super toast.

A: Oh, yeah. I get like that sometimes, too.

[No end. This really should go on & on. Like a show. It must go on. Or maybe I'll think of an ending.]

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Too Many White People

[Note: This may also be funny with white actors.]

A: Don't you want to go to the beach?

B: No... I'm kind of "white peopled"-out for today.

A: What are you talking about? We haven't seen any white people today.

A: Yeah... but I know they're there.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Skit: "How long must I be?"

A: YOU'RE dirty.

B: Yes. Yeah. I'm dirty.

A: U B Dirt E.

B: License plate.

[Pause while A & B stand there & look at each other, neither budging.]

B: Hey, how long does this have to be?

C (from offstage): It's supposed to be long enough to reveal its own truth. The truth of its own reality.

B: Oh, OK. [Pause.] Let's go, then.

(A & B exit. A might suddenly show joy somehow, like by jumping in the air & clicking his/her heels, or trying & failing.)

END