Candy Death, Pastry Tombs

 
It's an Easter thing, see? You bake them with a marshmallow inside.

 



When they're done... the "tomb" is empty! Because "Jesus" was a marshmallow, and he miraculously melted in the oven. Yum yum GHOST.

These actually sound good to me, but of course I'll eat 'most anything.



Mis-appropriated from www.catholicicing.com

Have I failed again? Or just most of my non-Maren co-Americans?

It's Washington's birthday and I have everything to wear!

But no present to give 'im. And I haven't even started getting the appliances needed to make him his lucky stew.

"But he's dead," you might say. And we could debate on that.

But whether you choose to start a rumour as to Washignton's still being alive or not, dead people need to be paid tribute, too. And very famous dead people need costly, sparkly gifts.

So this Washington's Birthday, I won't just be pouring out frothy alcohols for this non-living man. I will be making excuses for not having presents for him. Real, non-symbolic presents, like socks, and maybe some hammers.

...OR we could all pretend things are OK just the way we want to do them. And that none of us are wrong.


[Please don't try to read anything deep into this. It might give me a headache thinking about how you might be giving yourself a headache.]

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The New GM Monahan Phone

"He had the new GM Monahan phone. See? See, you use it all. We'll see you."

What a mess! Commercial for a messy product

(Yes, I have ads in my dreams.)

"What A Mess"

GUY walks down public stairs. GIRL (young woman) is walking down just behind GUY, holding a container of (_) brand cheese/open box of (_) brand microwave pizza/whatever messy product this is an ad for. As GIRL steps down, food/liquid spills from the container onto GUY, who then stops & sits down (at a table that just happens to be there, like at an outdoor seating area for  food court), & starts wiping at his clothes with a paper napkin. [In my dream, the product happened to be a tub of feta in brine, and the brine splashes out onto GUY.]

Girl (concerned, puts down food container on table to attend to him): Oh, no! Did I get you?

Guy (still wiping at himself with the napkin): Yeah.

Girl: Do you want 15,000 dollars?

GUY stares at her pathetically. Pause.

Girl: I don't have it.

Guy: It's ok.

(Pause. They  look at each other, then start kissing passionately. SECOND GUY who happens to be sitting nearby (tries to) ultracasually pick up the food container to see what brand it is.

ECU on product.

VO: [Name of product.] What a nice mess.


[The genders could be changed in any configuration; I just happened to dream it this way.]

The Top 10 Things I Tell You To Do

"I go around telling people what they should know at various ages-- you know, words they should know by 20, recipes they should know by 30, and so on. I usually organize them in lists, usually about ten things at a time, because 10 is a magic number for lists of things for people, and so they tend to believe me, even though I pull this shit out of my ass."

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To borrow humans

"I'll just borrow a few humans from the human-borrowing store..."

"How do they make their money?"

"Memberships, donations, rentals, lost-human fees... and selling gum and stuff from vending machines."

Need No Reason

"I can't remember why you like anything."

"And I can't remember why I like anything. That makes me not like things."

"Then don't have reasons. You don't have to have reasons to like things. Never, ever require yourself to have reasons for doing things. That's one of the worst mistakes people ever make in life. Erase that requirement from your mind. Like things and do things for no reason at all. That is the only way to make your life swim."

"Hey, whale, I'm tired of your face"

I have a good time, why can't the whale? He is always ruining my special spaghetti night. He's skeptical, and when he talks, he gives things away that people aren't supposed to know and he ruins it for everyone. Last time it happened, I had to give everybody their money back. I don't like doing things back, least of all giving money, least of all because of some whale with a big mouth and no faith in the supernatural. I'm tired of his whale face. It comes from nature, people tell me. I don't buy it. God made this whale thing to tease me. It is most of the things I'm not. And he makes so much sense, with his logical explanations, that I look bad. People don't want to be seen with me. But everyone wants to get their picture taken with the whale. Popular asshole.