Monday, September 30, 2013

Birthday Party, or "The Crapogram"

When I started writing this scene, I didn't know where it was going to go, and neither did I.
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 Birthday Party, or "The Crapogram"

(At a smallish birthday party (less than 20 people), probably in someone's living room. People stand and/or sit around, eat snacks, drink drinks, chat; things are casual so far. Then the door opens and A enters.)

A: Surprise!
(The other people are surprised.)
Whose birthday is it?
(Person B looks like s/he's about to answer this silly question, when A interrupts:)
It's MINE! MY birthday! We're here to celebrate ME!

(The others all look a little MORE surprised than before, and some murmur or giggle uncomfortably.)

B: I didn't know it was your birthday, too! Happy birthday.

A: So! What did everybody get me?

B: Well, if I'd known, we could have made this a combined birthday party from the start. Why didn't you tell me before?

A: You mean-- you didn't KNOW?

(The others look at each other, confused.)

B: I don't remember seeing anything about it on KneeBook.

A: You guys still look at KneeBook? That is so, like, 2014. Crapogram is the new way!

B: But... gosh, I've never even heard about-- Is it... 'Crapogram?'

(The others still look confused, indicating they don't recognize it, either.)

A: But... we're friends on Crapogram. I invited you and you joined. It was, like, a WHILE ago. But not THAT long ago. But we've been friends on there for a long time! I mean, at least a week!

B: I have no idea what you're talking about. I think I'd know if I'd joined something.

A: Dude! You're, like, totally on there, you totally post stuff, like, ALL the time, and we're totally friends.

B: I post stuff? What did I post?

A: Well, like just the other day you posted those awesome recipes for enriched uranium! And that picture of you with the 5-headed lobster-- that was SO cute!
(A gets out phone and shows something on the screen to B.)

B: Awww. Look, you guys!
(B hands the phone over to some other guests, who look at it and emit sounds of appreciating a great cuteness.)

A (now sensitive, putting an arm around B): Dude. That's YOUR lobster.

(B looks dumbstruck, shakes head slowly.)

B: I didn't know.

A (still in sensitive tones): Dude.
[Pause.]
You've got to get your ass on Crapogram.

B (thoughtful, dignified): We should ALL be on Crapogram.

(Everyone nods. Some put arms around each other, suddenly feeling the warmth.)

A: Yeah. I mean, you're missing your whole other life. Who knows what your other self has been up to?

Another Guest: Let's all join Crapogram right now!

Yet Another Guest (looking at his or her own phone, then looking around at the others): We all are on there already!

(A general stupid cheer goes up, like in an ad for a party game. Da End.)