"I go around telling people what they should know at various ages-- you know, words they should know by 20, recipes they should know by 30, and so on. I usually organize them in lists, usually about ten things at a time, because 10 is a magic number for lists of things for people, and so they tend to believe me, even though I pull this shit out of my ass."
Friday, December 20, 2013
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Thursday, November 21, 2013
To borrow humans
"I'll just borrow a few humans from the human-borrowing store..."
"How do they make their money?"
"Memberships, donations, rentals, lost-human fees... and selling gum and stuff from vending machines."
"How do they make their money?"
"Memberships, donations, rentals, lost-human fees... and selling gum and stuff from vending machines."
Need No Reason
"I can't remember why you like anything."
"And I can't remember why I like anything. That makes me not like things."
"Then don't have reasons. You don't have to have reasons to like things. Never, ever require yourself to have reasons for doing things. That's one of the worst mistakes people ever make in life. Erase that requirement from your mind. Like things and do things for no reason at all. That is the only way to make your life swim."
"And I can't remember why I like anything. That makes me not like things."
"Then don't have reasons. You don't have to have reasons to like things. Never, ever require yourself to have reasons for doing things. That's one of the worst mistakes people ever make in life. Erase that requirement from your mind. Like things and do things for no reason at all. That is the only way to make your life swim."
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
"Hey, whale, I'm tired of your face"
I have a good time, why can't the whale? He is always ruining my special
spaghetti night. He's skeptical, and when he talks, he gives things
away that people aren't supposed to know and he ruins it for everyone.
Last time it happened, I had to give everybody their money back. I don't
like doing things back, least of all giving money, least of all because
of some whale with a big mouth and no faith in the supernatural. I'm
tired of his whale face. It comes from nature, people tell me. I don't
buy it. God made this whale thing to tease me. It is most of the things
I'm not. And he makes so much sense, with his logical explanations, that
I look bad. People don't want to be seen with me. But everyone wants to
get their picture taken with the whale. Popular asshole.
Monday, November 11, 2013
In the bushes
She ended up getting caught in the bushes. You know, with her
hair and stuff. And he tried to help get her out, but she wasn't sure if
she wanted that. Him having been reputed to have beat little guys up
for fun and all that. It was just a little thing, all that sending
weaker specimens to the hospital for no reason, but still. She was
unsure how to feel. And especially now, with him trying to extricate
twigs from her hair. Maybe she didn't mind being stuck in the bushes so
much after all. "I'm OK!" she said, but he kept fiddling with the long
tangle of hair ratted in with the leaves and dirt and cobwebs and
probably bugs, too.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Poisons and Poisonings
"I don't know why it happens. If my food had been poisoned, I'd want to know about it before it was too late. But it was at a big cult dinner the other day when I rushed in and told the people at my table what I'd learned, and they just kept eating. A few of them seemed to be interested in what I said, and they paused, but once they saw that guy Mark continue on with his munch and quaff, they went right ahead and kept doing it, too. I guess they don't care if they die. Is that possible? Or is it just that they didn't take me seriously? But why would I lie about their food having been poisoned? I don't do that. I'm not that kind of girl. Or maybe they're just such sheep that they always have to go with the flow of what they see other people doing, even if it means at the very least a night married to the toilet, and at most death and damnation. Permanent death and damnation. Maybe even the tortures of Hell. I don't personally believe in an afterlife, but it's a useful threat to people who don't listen to science.
"Mark is such a humorless British assface. An English assface. Not Scottish or Welsh or whatever. No, he's English, the worst of the worst."
Monday, September 30, 2013
The Negative Piano
(2 people, A and B, each carrying some kind of equipment as if for doing some job. Maybe one has 2 briefcases, and the other has a huge tool belt, with odd tools, and is carrying an object whose purpose is not immediately clear-- maybe a small lamp... They're both walking purposefully, side by side, as though on their way to do some important task.)
A(on phone): ...and one grand piano. (Pause) No, not an upright. Absolutely no uprights. (Pause) That's right. (Pause) Why, thank you! How nice of you to say that! You, too. (Pause) OK. Thank you. Bye.
(Hangs up, then abruptly stops walking)
Oh, I forgot! He doesn't need a grand piano to shave!
A(on phone): ...and one grand piano. (Pause) No, not an upright. Absolutely no uprights. (Pause) That's right. (Pause) Why, thank you! How nice of you to say that! You, too. (Pause) OK. Thank you. Bye.
(Hangs up, then abruptly stops walking)
Oh, I forgot! He doesn't need a grand piano to shave!
B: So that means the upright's fine. Call her back! Do it right away! Wait-- what kind of a piano does he need?
A: You know what? He might not need a piano... at all. But I think I might know what he does need.
B: Oh... Yeah. I think I know... exactly what you mean.
A: Oh, yes...
B: We'll make a universe and put all kinds of stuff in it, maybe a big ball in the middle--
A: Yeah! And have little stuff running around on it! Like little characters!
B: Yeah, and they keep hitting each other!
A: Hells, yeah! And we can call the little ball--
(B burps.)
A: --"Earth?"
B: Sure, whatevs.
A: I don't get it. But let's do it anyway.
(They walk off together.)
Birthday Party, or "The Crapogram"
When I started writing this scene, I didn't know where it was going to go, and neither did I.
-----
Birthday Party, or "The Crapogram"
(At a smallish birthday party (less than 20 people), probably in someone's living room. People stand and/or sit around, eat snacks, drink drinks, chat; things are casual so far. Then the door opens and A enters.)
A: Surprise!
(The other people are surprised.)
Whose birthday is it?
(Person B looks like s/he's about to answer this silly question, when A interrupts:)
It's MINE! MY birthday! We're here to celebrate ME!
(The others all look a little MORE surprised than before, and some murmur or giggle uncomfortably.)
B: I didn't know it was your birthday, too! Happy birthday.
A: So! What did everybody get me?
B: Well, if I'd known, we could have made this a combined birthday party from the start. Why didn't you tell me before?
A: You mean-- you didn't KNOW?
(The others look at each other, confused.)
B: I don't remember seeing anything about it on KneeBook.
A: You guys still look at KneeBook? That is so, like, 2014. Crapogram is the new way!
B: But... gosh, I've never even heard about-- Is it... 'Crapogram?'
(The others still look confused, indicating they don't recognize it, either.)
A: But... we're friends on Crapogram. I invited you and you joined. It was, like, a WHILE ago. But not THAT long ago. But we've been friends on there for a long time! I mean, at least a week!
B: I have no idea what you're talking about. I think I'd know if I'd joined something.
A: Dude! You're, like, totally on there, you totally post stuff, like, ALL the time, and we're totally friends.
B: I post stuff? What did I post?
A: Well, like just the other day you posted those awesome recipes for enriched uranium! And that picture of you with the 5-headed lobster-- that was SO cute!
(A gets out phone and shows something on the screen to B.)
B: Awww. Look, you guys!
(B hands the phone over to some other guests, who look at it and emit sounds of appreciating a great cuteness.)
A (now sensitive, putting an arm around B): Dude. That's YOUR lobster.
(B looks dumbstruck, shakes head slowly.)
B: I didn't know.
A (still in sensitive tones): Dude.
[Pause.]
You've got to get your ass on Crapogram.
B (thoughtful, dignified): We should ALL be on Crapogram.
(Everyone nods. Some put arms around each other, suddenly feeling the warmth.)
A: Yeah. I mean, you're missing your whole other life. Who knows what your other self has been up to?
Another Guest: Let's all join Crapogram right now!
Yet Another Guest (looking at his or her own phone, then looking around at the others): We all are on there already!
(A general stupid cheer goes up, like in an ad for a party game. Da End.)
-----
Birthday Party, or "The Crapogram"
(At a smallish birthday party (less than 20 people), probably in someone's living room. People stand and/or sit around, eat snacks, drink drinks, chat; things are casual so far. Then the door opens and A enters.)
A: Surprise!
(The other people are surprised.)
Whose birthday is it?
(Person B looks like s/he's about to answer this silly question, when A interrupts:)
It's MINE! MY birthday! We're here to celebrate ME!
(The others all look a little MORE surprised than before, and some murmur or giggle uncomfortably.)
B: I didn't know it was your birthday, too! Happy birthday.
A: So! What did everybody get me?
B: Well, if I'd known, we could have made this a combined birthday party from the start. Why didn't you tell me before?
A: You mean-- you didn't KNOW?
(The others look at each other, confused.)
B: I don't remember seeing anything about it on KneeBook.
A: You guys still look at KneeBook? That is so, like, 2014. Crapogram is the new way!
B: But... gosh, I've never even heard about-- Is it... 'Crapogram?'
(The others still look confused, indicating they don't recognize it, either.)
A: But... we're friends on Crapogram. I invited you and you joined. It was, like, a WHILE ago. But not THAT long ago. But we've been friends on there for a long time! I mean, at least a week!
B: I have no idea what you're talking about. I think I'd know if I'd joined something.
A: Dude! You're, like, totally on there, you totally post stuff, like, ALL the time, and we're totally friends.
B: I post stuff? What did I post?
A: Well, like just the other day you posted those awesome recipes for enriched uranium! And that picture of you with the 5-headed lobster-- that was SO cute!
(A gets out phone and shows something on the screen to B.)
B: Awww. Look, you guys!
(B hands the phone over to some other guests, who look at it and emit sounds of appreciating a great cuteness.)
A (now sensitive, putting an arm around B): Dude. That's YOUR lobster.
(B looks dumbstruck, shakes head slowly.)
B: I didn't know.
A (still in sensitive tones): Dude.
[Pause.]
You've got to get your ass on Crapogram.
B (thoughtful, dignified): We should ALL be on Crapogram.
(Everyone nods. Some put arms around each other, suddenly feeling the warmth.)
A: Yeah. I mean, you're missing your whole other life. Who knows what your other self has been up to?
Another Guest: Let's all join Crapogram right now!
Yet Another Guest (looking at his or her own phone, then looking around at the others): We all are on there already!
(A general stupid cheer goes up, like in an ad for a party game. Da End.)
Friday, September 27, 2013
Ignorin'
A: Maybe if I just ignore it for a while, it'll do what I want.
B: Yeah. Let's just ignore it for a while.
A: Yeah, the more ignoring, the better.
B: Let's be all, like, ignoring people and stuff.
A: Yeah.
B: I'm gonna start ignoring right now. Ready? (Pause.) Now!
A: Wait, I'm not ready! (produces some kind of strange hat or helmet and puts it on.)
OK.
B: Yeah. Let's just ignore it for a while.
A: Yeah, the more ignoring, the better.
B: Let's be all, like, ignoring people and stuff.
A: Yeah.
B: I'm gonna start ignoring right now. Ready? (Pause.) Now!
A: Wait, I'm not ready! (produces some kind of strange hat or helmet and puts it on.)
OK.
Junior Sketch #4.5
A: I was not a cool person today.
B: I wasn't even a person today.
A: Well, you win.
B: Naturally, duh.
B: I wasn't even a person today.
A: Well, you win.
B: Naturally, duh.
Minithing, like a sketch
A: I used to really like that.
B: I used to really like you.
A: I used to really like myself over there.
B: I used to really like me when you were I.
A: I used to like myself like THAT.
B: I really liked you who were it.
A: If I were that, I wouldn't help YOU.
B: I wouldn't help anything like you.
A: I like my helpful self.
B: Ta-da!
B: I used to really like you.
A: I used to really like myself over there.
B: I used to really like me when you were I.
A: I used to like myself like THAT.
B: I really liked you who were it.
A: If I were that, I wouldn't help YOU.
B: I wouldn't help anything like you.
A: I like my helpful self.
B: Ta-da!
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Interdaterview
(2 people, TOPPO and SEEKER, sit on opposite sides of a table or desk-- on a date? at a job interview? Maybe both in one? A general interview, to possibly lead to a job or further interviews/dates? Maybe both wear business suits and have papers in front of them, but both also have drinks in front of them, too. As they talk, SEEKER seems to shrink into his or her seat, the shrinkage seeming commensurate with or proportionate to TOPPO's booming interrogation.)
TOPPO (deathly serious): Do you have any subtle points?
(Pause.)
SEEKER: Yes, I must have some... somewhere (rifles through bag, papers, or briefcase)...
T: Faster!
S (quickly handing T a piece of paper): Okey dokey!
T (looking at the paper): Yeeeesss...
S: People tell me it's VERY subtle.
(T throws the paper on the floor.)
T: Indeed. So... You must have... some questions... for US.
S: Yes... Well... Do you have any kids?
T: SILENCE!
S: Sorry! I know this is only the first interdaterview, I just--
T: Person talking to me, have you ever heard the tale of the mouse and the grape?
S: I think so-- I mean, of course I have, who hasn't? That's the one where the--
T: I am talking! This story concerns a mouse who goes out into the world and meets a single grape. That grape... is all alone. Terribly... painfully... alone. Have you any idea now of what I'm driving at?
S: A grape in great pain. Grape pain.
T: Do you have any idea what it's like to be ONE grape, just ONE, without any others around it for company?! For the smell? To share that grapey SMELL?!
(S is by now very tiny in his/her seat, terrified.)
S: I'll do anything you ask.
T: YES! Yes! That is the answer I've been looking for!
(T bounds out of his/her seat and gives S a massive hug.)
You don't know how lonely I've been! How desperately lonely! I've been all ALONE! Stay with me forever! STAY with MEEEEE!
(T crumples down and hugs S's feet and ankles.)
S: Ohhh... Kay. OK. Yes.
T: Thank you, thank you...
(S turns to the audience or camera.)
S: Don't say you'd never do it.
TOPPO (deathly serious): Do you have any subtle points?
(Pause.)
SEEKER: Yes, I must have some... somewhere (rifles through bag, papers, or briefcase)...
T: Faster!
S (quickly handing T a piece of paper): Okey dokey!
T (looking at the paper): Yeeeesss...
S: People tell me it's VERY subtle.
(T throws the paper on the floor.)
T: Indeed. So... You must have... some questions... for US.
S: Yes... Well... Do you have any kids?
T: SILENCE!
S: Sorry! I know this is only the first interdaterview, I just--
T: Person talking to me, have you ever heard the tale of the mouse and the grape?
S: I think so-- I mean, of course I have, who hasn't? That's the one where the--
T: I am talking! This story concerns a mouse who goes out into the world and meets a single grape. That grape... is all alone. Terribly... painfully... alone. Have you any idea now of what I'm driving at?
S: A grape in great pain. Grape pain.
T: Do you have any idea what it's like to be ONE grape, just ONE, without any others around it for company?! For the smell? To share that grapey SMELL?!
(S is by now very tiny in his/her seat, terrified.)
S: I'll do anything you ask.
T: YES! Yes! That is the answer I've been looking for!
(T bounds out of his/her seat and gives S a massive hug.)
You don't know how lonely I've been! How desperately lonely! I've been all ALONE! Stay with me forever! STAY with MEEEEE!
(T crumples down and hugs S's feet and ankles.)
S: Ohhh... Kay. OK. Yes.
T: Thank you, thank you...
(S turns to the audience or camera.)
S: Don't say you'd never do it.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Nice Not Knowing You
(The setting: On the street? In a public place? In a cab? Doesn't matter. B is sitting and A approaches.)
A: Hey! Don't I know you from somewhere?
B (pauses, looks around, then): I'm known for not being known.
A (freaking out, happy and excited): Oh, YEAH! You're, like, so not known!
(While B answers, A takes out cel phone and takes a pic, then forcibly sits down next to B and starts taking a selfy of the 2 of them together.)
B: Yes, I'm VERY poorly known.
A (shaking B's hand vigorously): I'm thrilled 'cause I don't know you!
B: It's nice not to know you, too.
(A (gets up and) gets ready to leave.)
A: I'm going to tell, like, NO ONE about this.
B: I'm not going to tell anyone, either.
A: And you will never see anything about this on my Twitter or IG.
B: Yes... No.
(Exit A.)
B (turns and looks straight at audience or into camera and says, very seriously): "I-G." Hmm...
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Idea Logs: 3 Incomplete Skits
1. hair, bird, word
A (flipping hair with hand): I'll have a word with my bird (about (this/it/getting you in)).
B: I'll have a word with ANY bird. I'll have a word with a bird.
A: Tell someone else.
B: Tell someone else's BUTT.
[Time passes, and things may or may not happen.]
A: My word, but my bird is sore. She had some words with ME.
2. piano shave
A: Oh, I forgot, he doesn't need a grand piano to shave.
B: Me, neither. Come to think of it, does anyone?
A: Well... maybe. There are a lot of people out there.
3. smog test closed
A: Oh my god, no! I can't believe it. I always wanted to go to West Hollywood Smog Test Only and now they're closed!
B: Forever?!
A: Closed forever! We never had a chance... Oh, why didn't we go there when we still could? I'll never forgive myself!
B: Ugh! How OLD are you? That smog shop is for 2-time losers.
A: Yeah, my old creep went there. But still, I always thought he had a good time.
A (flipping hair with hand): I'll have a word with my bird (about (this/it/getting you in)).
B: I'll have a word with ANY bird. I'll have a word with a bird.
A: Tell someone else.
B: Tell someone else's BUTT.
[Time passes, and things may or may not happen.]
A: My word, but my bird is sore. She had some words with ME.
2. piano shave
A: Oh, I forgot, he doesn't need a grand piano to shave.
B: Me, neither. Come to think of it, does anyone?
A: Well... maybe. There are a lot of people out there.
3. smog test closed
A: Oh my god, no! I can't believe it. I always wanted to go to West Hollywood Smog Test Only and now they're closed!
B: Forever?!
A: Closed forever! We never had a chance... Oh, why didn't we go there when we still could? I'll never forgive myself!
B: Ugh! How OLD are you? That smog shop is for 2-time losers.
A: Yeah, my old creep went there. But still, I always thought he had a good time.
"Hair One", for National Sketch Writing Month
"Hair One"
[at a... diner?]
CUSTOMER (holding out finger which may have a bit of toothpaste on it): Not one minute ago, there was a hair on this piece of toothpaste. Where do you suppose that hair is now?
SERVER: Was it a beautiful hair?
C: It was...a very... thoughtful hair... But that's not the point! A minute ago there was Long hair. One long hair.
S: We had long hair in here first.
C: I'd like a hair on my place.
S: Your place?
C: Yes. My... private place.
S: OK. You're right. Who am I to question you? I'm sure you always know what you're doing. You're my idol.
C: Yes. I win.
S: Me, too.
[Do they kiss? Dance around like happy puppets? Both? We'll see...]
[at a... diner?]
CUSTOMER (holding out finger which may have a bit of toothpaste on it): Not one minute ago, there was a hair on this piece of toothpaste. Where do you suppose that hair is now?
SERVER: Was it a beautiful hair?
C: It was...a very... thoughtful hair... But that's not the point! A minute ago there was Long hair. One long hair.
S: We had long hair in here first.
C: I'd like a hair on my place.
S: Your place?
C: Yes. My... private place.
[Pause. They just look at each other seriously.]
C: A hair on my place? Please?S: OK. You're right. Who am I to question you? I'm sure you always know what you're doing. You're my idol.
C: Yes. I win.
S: Me, too.
[Do they kiss? Dance around like happy puppets? Both? We'll see...]
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
My li'l letter to the Washington Post re. "Miley Cyrus, Steubenville and teen culture run amok"
Dear Mr. Richard Cohen:
According
to your article "Miley Cyrus, Steubenville and teen culture run amok,"
we should blame rape on Miley Cyrus and the general culture of
sluttiness.
Wrong, wrong, WRONG.
Rape
is caused by RAPISTS. Rape happens all over the world, even in places
with no access to MTV, twerking, or miniskirts. Get a clue.
Stop blaming women and girls for rape. Rape is rape, no matter how stupid, slutty, or otherwise unsavory you find the victims.
In
spreading your lame, Talibanesque views on women, you are being totally
irresponsible. Shame on you, and shame on The Washington Post.
Sincerely,
Maren McConnell-Collins
Friday, July 5, 2013
Part 8 of the Depressing Shit Series, or Series of Depressing Shit (to AVOID!)
I recommend you see part 1 of my Depressing Shit series and read my original disclaimer here; now here's installment 8.
More depressing (or depressing-sounding) movies...
Affliction [Don't remember, but I must have put it on my list for some reason]
The Boost [saw it a long time ago; pretty sure it was depressing]
Fox and His Friends [Fassbinder. So, you know.]
Little Moth (Xue chan) [child abuse! extreme poverty! Not going to see it!]
Save The Tiger [saw it relatively recently; pretty depressing. The 70s-ness definitely didn't help.]
...and just about every movie I've seen about boxing or wrestling. There must be exceptions, but it's a good general rule to avoid these.
OK, that's enough thinking about this shit for a while.
More depressing stuff: Read Part 2 here.
And here's Part 3.
And Part 4! Are you depressed yet?!
Part 5.
Part 6.
Part 7.
And as always, I welcome your suggestions for More Depressing Shit. Do comment, and I'll include any good suggestions in a future update.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Christmas Letter From Nowhere
Dear Everyone,
Today has been the best day yet since we alighted in Telluride. Ah, what a rich sojourn it has been. We awoke this morning to the pit-pat sounds of artificial raindrops in our indoor biosphere. So enchanting, but one does get used to it.
And my, it has been a busy and fruitful year. Little Loren is doing terrifically well in her last year of pre-boarding school. We all can't wait for her to take flight at last, though it will be bittersweet for me, at least. My little girl-- a chip off the old (not too old!) block, I'm sure! Can't wait to get away from Mummy, and then can't wait to return and show Mummy what she's learned! (But not everything, of course!) Grandmama visited this last month for our Thanks-giving and alas, she and Grandpapa shall return forthwith for the solstice. They beam with pride at the progress the children have made!
Early this year, Ben my hubby sent us off from Taiwan with a sweet kiss or two and an organically-sourced picnic lunch for the long plane trip, which I must say was the source of a fine and long-deserved sleep for me! Our deluxe pod was comme il faut. I shall have to complain to the senior vice president of conciergerie.
B continues to do well, I believe, at the firm with his busy, busy, never-ending job, and his packed social calendar. They are a tight group, that firm. I don't know how all those consultant girls stand it with only one of him around!
But we left just in time for the hot season to commence without us, and commence it did, I am told by B and other sources. I shall miss our townhome, but the summer sultriness, not much.
Ah, well, so it goes-- the seasons, the seasons... Telluride, on the other hand, has been crisp for us for the duration of our stay, though at times the sun sets and we have a little nightfall. Miranda goes down to the cellar to fetch us just the right bottle at such times. What a dear she is, worth every penny. I gifted her a non-GMO apple today-- I have always been generous!
Today has been the best day yet since we alighted in Telluride. Ah, what a rich sojourn it has been. We awoke this morning to the pit-pat sounds of artificial raindrops in our indoor biosphere. So enchanting, but one does get used to it.
And my, it has been a busy and fruitful year. Little Loren is doing terrifically well in her last year of pre-boarding school. We all can't wait for her to take flight at last, though it will be bittersweet for me, at least. My little girl-- a chip off the old (not too old!) block, I'm sure! Can't wait to get away from Mummy, and then can't wait to return and show Mummy what she's learned! (But not everything, of course!) Grandmama visited this last month for our Thanks-giving and alas, she and Grandpapa shall return forthwith for the solstice. They beam with pride at the progress the children have made!
Early this year, Ben my hubby sent us off from Taiwan with a sweet kiss or two and an organically-sourced picnic lunch for the long plane trip, which I must say was the source of a fine and long-deserved sleep for me! Our deluxe pod was comme il faut. I shall have to complain to the senior vice president of conciergerie.
B continues to do well, I believe, at the firm with his busy, busy, never-ending job, and his packed social calendar. They are a tight group, that firm. I don't know how all those consultant girls stand it with only one of him around!
But we left just in time for the hot season to commence without us, and commence it did, I am told by B and other sources. I shall miss our townhome, but the summer sultriness, not much.
Ah, well, so it goes-- the seasons, the seasons... Telluride, on the other hand, has been crisp for us for the duration of our stay, though at times the sun sets and we have a little nightfall. Miranda goes down to the cellar to fetch us just the right bottle at such times. What a dear she is, worth every penny. I gifted her a non-GMO apple today-- I have always been generous!
The winter has been quite a busy one as well. First it gave us un petit hailstorm, which
left the slightest dew on the garden afterwards; later, the soft powder snow which
seems to ever renew itself and is with us now, fluffy and driven as ever. And what of
the snow?! The ski slopes have been ripe, and we have sampled! I must say, Taiwan
does not measure up in the winter sport department!
We have been eating moderately well, always in modest portions, of grass-fed artisan beefs from our local boutique ranch, mustard greens, topiary cactus flowers, evergreen sap preserves, fair-trade shade-crown cacao, olives, coriander, and the occasional fromage souffle. C'est la guerre! Whatever is in season, we are a slave to the local farming concerns!
Just the other day, L and I had lunch with Jose Fenugreek, a young oyster tycoon, rather ageless, who winters here and has invited us to his Tokyo estate. Perhaps we shall trouble him next spring, for I shall be on a mission yonder for the girls' shopping. Must stock up for Aubergine Prep while the getting's good!
My Welsh open-knits have fared very well, and everyone in town asks where I get them. It breaks my heart to think of old Mitzi straining away in the attic atelier while we basked in the hearth of the cottage all those years. So sad about her. But my, am I warm now!
B's supervisor at work has begged him to lunch with the President on several occasions now. Yes, THAT president! You know what Papa always used to say about friends in high places... Alas, B has been much too overworked and the spa is calling. Lucy brought home a trophy last week for Most Creative Overall Project in the regional science fair. We weren't sure she'd make it so far this year without Daddy's careful tinkering on her display, but my wee spawn has proven herself blood of my blood once again!
At this moment, I sit with my legs a-dangle from the unbleached raw cotton hammock adorning the winter ballroom. A little Chambord, another Creme de Cacao... we soldier on.
Missing you all terribly. Do come visit at your soonest convenience.
Kisses,
Tippy
We have been eating moderately well, always in modest portions, of grass-fed artisan beefs from our local boutique ranch, mustard greens, topiary cactus flowers, evergreen sap preserves, fair-trade shade-crown cacao, olives, coriander, and the occasional fromage souffle. C'est la guerre! Whatever is in season, we are a slave to the local farming concerns!
Just the other day, L and I had lunch with Jose Fenugreek, a young oyster tycoon, rather ageless, who winters here and has invited us to his Tokyo estate. Perhaps we shall trouble him next spring, for I shall be on a mission yonder for the girls' shopping. Must stock up for Aubergine Prep while the getting's good!
My Welsh open-knits have fared very well, and everyone in town asks where I get them. It breaks my heart to think of old Mitzi straining away in the attic atelier while we basked in the hearth of the cottage all those years. So sad about her. But my, am I warm now!
B's supervisor at work has begged him to lunch with the President on several occasions now. Yes, THAT president! You know what Papa always used to say about friends in high places... Alas, B has been much too overworked and the spa is calling. Lucy brought home a trophy last week for Most Creative Overall Project in the regional science fair. We weren't sure she'd make it so far this year without Daddy's careful tinkering on her display, but my wee spawn has proven herself blood of my blood once again!
At this moment, I sit with my legs a-dangle from the unbleached raw cotton hammock adorning the winter ballroom. A little Chambord, another Creme de Cacao... we soldier on.
Missing you all terribly. Do come visit at your soonest convenience.
Kisses,
Tippy
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Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Danger, Dana!
Waiting waiting.
Her hands were leathery enough with blisters so she didn't mind how hot the steering wheel was. All day in the Nevada no-shade that car had waited, but her hands could take this hot wheel. Like having your own built-in gloves, she thought. How good she was. And it was nice to be in a car instead of nowhere. No car, then you're really nowhere. But a car is somewhere to be.
Waiting waiting
She banged the back if her head against the headrest over and over. It was rubbery like the booth at the diner, or a really nice McDonald's.
The headrests on which she rested her head hadn't always felt rubbery. She had felt something hard there before a long time ago in another car, something with sharp edges. Like a big plastic disposable knife for your head.
Anyway, you couldn't hurt yourself too bad this way, not if you were just sitting in the car and the car was just sitting in the sun. It was warm and everything, but it didn't burn her. She was all leather now.
They didn't have those nice rubbery booths at McDonald's anymore. They were still the same shiny bright red, but now they were just hard, so you didn't want to sleep in there too long, and also it was probably easier to clean up. If somebody was a real painintheass and made a real mess, they could just hose it all away. You, too, Goldie. Move your ass out of here and stop coming back. You're not supposed to be here. We take showers here in America.
Oh, yeah? You don't belong here, either, lady! No one belongs here. You think they want us here? God don't make it rain. He wants us to burn out here. Because we're not supposed to be here. Shouldn't come out here where it's so hot and there's less than nothing. He's saying its your own fault if you die out here. He's saying I told you so.
Dang! Why didn't I listen?
Thursday, January 17, 2013
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