Monday, September 17, 2012

Home Makeover skit

[Reality Real Estate Lady is leading Formerly Feral Man through a house.]

RREL: ...So as you can see, everything we have done to your building adds tremendous value and curb appeal. And the other kind of appeal, too, that happens when people see the inside.

FFM: And how many floors does it have?

R: Excuse us, sir?

F: How many floors are there now?

R: Well... there are two, if you count the crawlspace under the house.

F: I know! It's my house, I know that! But I mean the regular floor. The thing I'm standing on. How many is there?

R: I don't understand. How many?

F: There's a floor here. Where I'm standing on. How many are there?

R: Well, there's... just a floor, as you can see. I'm still not sure what you mean.

F: So you admit it! There's one floor. One house, one building, one floor, buncha rooms, one big floor.

R: Sir, were you expecting something... else?

F: There's only one floor here. I had one floor before and there's still only one floor. I want one more. One more floor. One floor is not enough. This floor needs more floors.

R: So you wanted us to build onto the house? Another story? We really didn't have the budget for it. The network gave us ten thousand dollars and they wanted us to stretch it as far as we could. And that's what we did. Honestly, I don't know what you were expecting. Here you are, a lazy man who can't get out of bed most days, and you want other people to do everything for you. Well, we came and we made over your house and a lot of people gave their time to give you a nice new house and you don't even appreciate it. [takes out phone, starts texting] I'm going to tell Barney that they have to start giving the Appreciation and Gratefulness test to prospective subjects in the future.

F: No, a floor! I want 2 floors! This floor should have another floor on top of it.

R: So... you wanted a floor... just on top of the floor you already had. Is that it?

F: Yes! One more floor! 2 floors for me! More floors than you have on your floor!

R: Christ in a tuna can! Are you some kind of giant human mistake? Why on earth would anyone want one floor on top of another floor? Why would you want another floor if people can't even see it? The floor you have now has been waxed and everything.

F: Wax? NOOOOO! Floor, please! I want a floor and a floor and a floor! Floors NOW for ME!

R: And, I might add, we got the peepee stains off it. I had to call in a few favors to get that taken care of.

F [suddenly seeming excited and interested]: Flavors?

R: Look... sir. You signed a contract saying you were going to come on this show and act grateful when we shot the big reveal of your fresh home environment. Are we going to have to call in the lawyers?

F: Bill Moyers?

R: Trust me, you don't want that.

F: I want flavors. Flavors, please. [Puts out his hand as if he expects her to hand him something.]

R: Well, hun, if flavors is what you want, why don't you lick this fresh floor we're standing on? The wax they used was... quite lemony, I understand.

F: Lemony flavors?!

R: Yes, and it's a fresh floor. Much fresher than you're used to.

F: I love you, flavor lady! [He leans in with his arms out to give her a hug.]

R: Well, uh... OK.

[She lets him hug her. He takes a chunk of her hair and makes like he's going to stuff it in his mouth, then BLACK OUT.]

[See the site of National Sketch Writing Month for the meaning of all this.]