Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Mek and Vomma Up a Hill

[2 women, Mek and Vomma, have been hiking or running together. They stop to take a little break, wipe off sweat, drink water, etc.]

Mek [sniffing her shirt]: Whew, I smell bad.

Vomma: Yeah, you do.

M: Hey, you don't smell.

V: That's correct. I never "smell," as you put it. No one can be offended by my smell. It's been agreed on my the experts in the field. I make my own natural sugar. Here, taste. [holds out her arm]

[M gingerly touches her tongue to V's arm.]

M: Huh. How did I not know about this all these years?

V: You've never complimented me on or awarded me for my inoffensiveness before.

M: Wow... Sorry. I had no idea.

V: WELL, MOST people take the time to sample me at least once.

M: Really. How can you withstand all those tongues?

V: I've made my peace with it. You'd have to, in my position.

M: Wow. I almost envy you. I mean, never having to put on deodorant.

V: Or shower. Don't forget that.

M: Oh. No showering... Isn't that bad for your health? After a while, I mean.

V: Health problems are nothing. They don't happen to me. I'm just too strong. You really should envy me, you know.

M: Uh... I mean, I see how some people would. It's just that... you're kind of a miserable cow who's stuck in seventh grade emotionally, in that you need to feel superior to someone at all times. Which means that you're probably not all that happy.

V: Oh. I'm HAPPY all right. You wouldn't understand. I'm happy in a way you can't understand.

M: Oh, yeah. In a miserable asshole way.

[V pulls out her phone and makes a call.]

V [on the phone]: Hi! [Pause.]
Oh, nothing.
Yeah, let's do that!
Ok, see you soon.
Ok, bye. [puts her phone away] You're not going hiking with me anymore. I think you should exercise with people who are less in demand than me. I have a lot of friends who have asked to go hiking with me. And do other things, too. Why don't you walk yourself down the hill? Do you need to call someone who can help you? [not pausing for to respond] Ok, I'm gonna go now. Bye.

[V continues to stand where she is, looking away, actively ignoring M.]

M: Well, good for you for not smelling.

V: Yes. I know.

M: I'm gonna go hang out with all my less popular loser friends who smell now.

[Pause. suddenly, Mek smiles brightly, as if some great thought has just dawned on her. Then she exits.]

   The End!

[See the site of National Sketch Writing Month for the meaning of all this.]