Sunday, September 23, 2012

Yu and Your Imaginary Friends

[Yulia eats lunch, sitting by herself at a table in a cafeteria or on a bench in a yard (like at a school or place of business) where people would sit to eat lunch. She looks down most of the time. Her peers sit in a clump as far from her as possible. Two Yulia "clones" enter near where she sits. They are dressed identical to her, except they also wear funny matching hats or helmets. These are two of the VOICES IN YULIA'S HEAD. Maybe they all wear the same bright color or colors to stand out from the "regular people", i.e., anyone who's not Yulia or one of her Voices. Maybe they can also all have the same vocal quirk, like a distinctive tone or rhythm.]

Voice 1: I'm so bored and depressed. I'll never have any friends. No one understands me. I'm cursed to be alone forever.

Voice 2: I've heard alcohol is fun. Maybe I can get into that later on when things get really bad for me.

V1: Will that really work?

V2: Sure, it'll work. Just look at all the successful alcoholic writers there have been.

V1: I don't know if I want to write anything. I just wanna not be bored all the time.

V2: Well, a lot of people swear by it. And the alcohol companies are never poor. All those drinkers can't be wrong. Also, they say that once you start, you don't ever want to stop.

V1: Yeah, I should start drinking already. What have I been waiting for all this time?

V2: I think I was waiting for someone to offer it to me. You know-- a pusher.

V1: Then I want to start right away. I've already wasted too much time not drinking. I wonder if I could get something to drink around here somewhere.

V2: Maybe someone would have some in a desk drawer in their office or something.

V1: I don't want to be caught, though. I guess I'll just have to do this the old-fashioned way.

[Yulia looks over at the clump of her peers, who are having a lively conversation replete with laughter.]

V2: OK... here goes.

[The Voices walk backwards until they're almost offstage. They don't exit entirely-- we can still see their heads as they watch Yulia from a safe distance. At the same time, Yulia gets up and walks over to where her peers are sitting.]

Yulia [clears her throat loudly]: A-hem. You good people wouldn't happen to have any beers with you that I could have, would you?

[The Peers are stunned. At first, none respond. Then Peer 1 gets the gumption up to speak.]

Peer 1: Excuse me? You're asking us to give you beer?

[Yulia suddenly looks panicked, as if only just now realizing that she has actually come over and spoken out loud to these people.]

Y: Did I say that?! I'm sorry. This was a mistake.

[She rushes back to where she was sitting before and sits down again and tries not to look at the Peers. Voices 1 and 2 come back out.]

V1: Oh my god, what was I thinking?

V2: Well, I want beer. And I need beer. And those people might have had beer. How was I supposed to know they didn't have beer?

V1: Yeah, and how do I know they still don't have beer? They might have beer.

V2: They might have beer.

V1: They just didn't want to share.

V2: No. They're just not used to people like me talking to them.

V1: But I still need beer.

V2: Yeah, I have to drink beer.

V1: Yeah, I need to drink beer right away. And then I need to keep drinking beer forever.

Y [bursting out]: What are all these imaginary people talking about? I don't have to drink beer constantly.

[Peer 2, a nice lady or girl, has noticed Yulia's outburst and comes over and sits by her.]

P2: Hi. Can I sit with you? [She's already sitting there.]

Y: Uhh...

P2: I couldn't help but overhear... Do you have a not-drinking problem?

Y: I...

[P2 puts a hand on Y's shoulder.]

P2: It's no shame. And there are people who can help you. [P2 gets up.] If you're ready, come with me.

Scene 2: P2 leads Y into what appears to be a 12-step meeting. The Voices follow close behind, holding hands, looking scared.]

VO Narrator: At Anti-AA, we can help. If you're ready to help yourself.

P2 [to the audience or into camera]: And the voices in your head are always welcome.

--The End.

[See the site of National Sketch Writing Month for the meaning of all this.]