Saturday, September 29, 2012

The Holy Microwave, Maybe

Bria: Laura? Hi, Laura. You look a little peaked.

Laura: Bria! Bria! Oh, am I glad to see you. I've been going through a terrible time. My microwave doesn't speak to me like it used to. And my left hand has turned on me again.

B: It's because you don't believe in God.

L: And now my left hand is attacking my right hand!

B: Uh huh. It's a textbook case, my dear. Nogoddiosis of the liver and brain.

L: Oh, Bria! You've got to help me! I use to have such good conversations with Mr. KitchenWave! He'd sit there in my kitchen, and I'd watch him, and he'd tell me numbers, and sometimes he'd beep at me. Oh, it was tops. And now-- nothing! Just like I never existed! I woke last night in absolute hysterics!

B: If it's that bad, you might have to see a specialist.

L: Oohh, that sounds good. That might be just the ticket. I've always wanted to see a specialist. Any kind of specialist. For SOMETHING, you know!

B: Now, take a deep breath, Laura. [Laura takes big, loud breaths.] Good. Good. And now... when's the last time you had a drink?

L: I had a water with Benefiber this morning.

B: Yes, but what about... you know... MAGIC POTIONS?

L [lowering her voice conspiratorially]: You mean... drinky drinks?!

B: Yes, Laura. Cough syrup, wine coolers-- you know, any of the good stuff.

L: Why, that hadn't occurred to me. Will it work?

B: Oh, Laura honey, it's just the thing. You go to the store and get yourself a lot of something-- some gin, some malt liquor, whatever you can afford-- and you go drink it right up and see if you don't get to believing again.

L: Bria, you're marvelous. Marvo, that's what I should call you.

B: Yes, dear. You go on now. And call me later and tell me how it goes.

L: [kisses Bria on the cheek] You are just the earth and sky, Bria! I don't know how I can ever repay you.

B: Don't think of it, honey. Just whatever comes out of you later tonight, put some in an old jar and keep it for me in your fridge for the next time we see each other, OK?

L: Well, of course! Like always.

B: Yes. Just like when we were girls.

[They do some kind of "secret handshake" where they end up twirling each other in a circle, then they walk off in separate directions.]

Narrator: If you or someone you know if having a hard time relating to inanimate objects, don't wait any longer. Call Anti-AA today.

[Laura pokes her head back onstage.]

L: You'll be tickled you did!

The End!

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[See the site of National Sketch Writing Month for the meaning of all this.]